5 Reasons You Can’t Stop Dating People Who Give You Mixed Signals
· Vice
It’s an all-too-common situation. Someone texts back a 3-word reply, cancels plans, then pops up with a “hey stranger” that makes you smile way too big. Meanwhile, the person who’s been consistent and into you can feel…weirdly boring, even if you hate that about yourself.
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Therapists say this is common, and it doesn’t mean you’re doomed or broken. As psychotherapist Angela Sitka, LMFT, told SELF, “liking someone who doesn’t like us back is such a common experience that doesn’t need to be pathologized.”
So, why do mixed signals make someone seem even more attractive? Let’s break it all down.
1. It’s your attachment system
If your attachment style runs anxious, a little distance can create a lot of urgency. It can feel like you need to “get back in” to feel okay. Sitka told SELF that uncertainty can ramp up attraction and get mistaken for chemistry, which keeps the cycle going.
2. Emotional distance can feel safer than closeness
Licensed therapist Morgan Hancock, LMFT, told SELF that for some people, emotional availability brings vulnerability, and vulnerability is scary. Someone who stays inconsistent can feel “safe” in a toxic way, because you never have to fully relax into being seen. You get longing without the full exposure.
3. Scarcity screws with your sense of value
Brains love what feels limited. Social psychologists have documented the scarcity effect for decades, including research showing people rate the same item as more desirable when it seems scarce.
In dating, scarcity shows itself in delayed replies, vague plans, and access that you “earn.” The chase is what you’re attracted to, not the person.
4. You fall for the version you wrote in your head
Sitka calls this “symbolic idealization,” and it’s brutal because it actually feels kinda romantic. You’re responding to what the person represents, not what they’re actually doing.
When someone gives you little bits and pieces of information, your brain fills in the blanks with your favorite traits. Reality can’t compete with the version you’ve built in your head.
5. Intermittent reinforcement gets you hooked
Psychologists use “intermittent reinforcement” for a pattern where rewards come at random, which keeps you engaged longer. In dating, that reward is a crumb of attention. A sudden “good morning” after silence can feel massive, then you start waiting for another.
A good reality check starts in your body. When they pull back, notice what happens right away. Do you tense up, start checking your phone, and start creating insane stories? Then ask a simpler question. If you stopped reaching out, would this connection keep moving? Be honest.
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