Things We Hate and Love Online This Week

· Vice

Welcome to Rated and Slated, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.

I’ve always suspected that me and Léa Seydoux would have a lot to talk about.

Visit asg-reflektory.pl for more information.

This week, Léa told an interviewer how she kind of fell into acting because “the only way I found to exist was to have my image printed on a film.” I pretty much ended up in journalism for the same reason: I needed to see my name in print to know I was real. The only difference is, the proof of her existence is movies like Blue Is the Warmest Color, while all I’ve got is a book of decaying cuttings from newspapers, which are gradually going out of print.

But maybe existence is overrated anyway? After all, we’ve got award-winning directors like Mathieu Kassovitz predicting that “in two years, nobody will care if actors are AI or not.” And writing has now reached the stage of reality collapse where books about truth in the age of AI contain quotes that were… made up by AI.

It’s hard to know what to believe anymore, but God knows it’s a boom time for opinions. So here are some things that I’m glad exist. And some others that I wish didn’t. If, indeed, any of them can be said to be real.

rated

THE RESURRECTION OF CINEMA

Nicolas Winding Refn claims that cinema is being resurrected, as going to the movies is the only thing that can bring us together in these harsh and peculiar times. That’s bad news for Chelsea footballer Cole Palmer who just revealed that he hates going to the cinema because the “TV is too big.” Well mate, find the largest screen you can and strap yourself—Her Private Hell is going to be your own personal salvation. Early online reviews are calling it “as vacuous and idiotic as any film can possibly be”; “Refn delivers [a] flaccid piece of coffee-table fetishism, drenched in neon-slop aesthetic”; “best watched under the influence and no other way.” Son, are you ready for your new life as an aesthete?

BEING A SINCERE, PASSIONATE WRITER USING TECHNOLOGY TO EXPLORE NEW APPROACHES TO LITERATURE

I used to be a tabloid hack, so my first impulse with any story is to stick the person’s name into Facebook. And it certainly seems like Jamir Nazir, the Trinidadian writer who may or may not have used AI to generate a prize-winning short story, actually exists (even if he’s given his author photo a Grokish glow-up). I don’t know anything about Caribbean politics, but as a geriatric millennial, I do agree with this statement he posted online earlier this year: “When UNC wins, we all win.” Except maybe, in this case, the runners-up, the organizers of the competition, and literary culture more broadly.

RED DRAGON

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While Drake might have received more attention for his trilogy of new records, Salem were the ones with a Supreme drop accompanying their new album Red Dragon—a relief, as “grippy like a hospital sock” feels like an out-of-pocket bar too far.

CHILLIN IN DA WOODS :D

There are so many distractions online that it’s impossible to imagine writing something longer than 280 characters, let alone the thousands of words needed for a novel. So I’ll be following in the footsteps of Henry David Thoreau and going to live in a cabin in the woods, only returning to civilization so mom can do my laundry (while I use her WiFi to look at porn).

‘A NIGHT OF FEASTING AND SPORT THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU WILL NEVER FORGET’

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Over the last year, EsDeeKid’s stage show has gone from a guy with a cable to the set out of Cable Guy. I’d say he embarked on the path to success after reaching a fork in the road, only there were no utensils in medieval times.

THE UNKNOWN

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It would be nice for a change to have sex and become the most beautiful woman in the world rather than being trapped in this shameful, malformed fleshbucket for the rest of my life. Then again, Léa Seydoux doesn’t have the pleasure of writing a weekly column for VICE.

WORLD’S FIRST FREQUENCY JACKET

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I’m waiting on them to make a version of this which goes up to 1,000,000 Hz so I can wear it while I’m telling myself the story of my life.

SLATED

DRESSING LIKE A ROTHKO

@harleymayooo

Part 2 of dressing like Rothko paintings!! #rothko #markrothko #artinspiredoutfits #art #paintings

♬ оригинальный звук – mils

If you take style cues from the abstract expressionists and “experiment with your wardrobe’s strongest blocks of color” then you’ll be considered a fashion influencer, but when I vomit beer and kebab all over my white shirt and then explain to everyone how Jackson Pollock inspired my look I’m treated with disgust and told I can’t come in the club. I’m heading home to sell my befouled outfit for $181m at auction.


AUDEMARS PIGUET X SWATCH

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We’re living in the future, and everyone is irreparably Warhol-brained. We all want to get rich in a matter of minutes by reselling the famous Pop Art pocket watch from Audemars Piguet and Swatch. You head to the nearest shop, picturing yourself as a day-glo screenprint of Mr. Monopoly, ready to grab that money sack, only to end up in a prison of your own greed, queueing for hours alongside thousands of greedy entrepreneurs all with the same bright idea. Do not pass go, do not collect £16,000.

‘SLOUCHY BUTTER YELLOW SHIRT! BRACELET! SO GOOD!’

You are not attracted to the butter-yellow shirt or bracelet; you are attracted to the idea of a luxury cruise on board a superyacht that descends into chaos as the ultra-rich guests experience explosive vomiting and diarrhea due to a combination of food poisoning and seasickness during a violent storm, which passes only for the ship to be attacked and destroyed by pirates with a small group of survivors escaping to an apparently deserted island where the one-time toilet manager becomes a kind of tribal chief, offering food in exchange for sexual favors.

VIOLENT SKLEPTICISM 

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It shows how much xenophobia and cultural division have warped your mind when you can’t even enjoy a heartwarming AI video from the POV of a Polish shopkeeper working his first night shift in London without expecting a gunman to burst through the door at any moment, screaming at him to empty the till before turning his brains into photorealistic HD slop.

LISTENING TO THE SPOTIFY DJ GUY GETTING TORTURED FOR HOURS

In the future, when the Spotify DJ Guy has his fingers on the ones and twos of all human life, then it will, in fact, be you who gets tortured for all of eternity for knowing about his existence yet failing to do anything to advance his inevitable omnipotence.

CURSING YOUR KIDS WITH HIGH CORTISOL

My baby comes windmilling out of the womb knowing every word to “The Saddest Day” by Converge. The little mosher might lack a little in social skills, but the other kids are sure to be picked up the moment they fall down in “the pit” (nursery playground), and that’s more compassion than I see from most adults living out their lives in this shattered void.

PAUL SCHRADER’S AI GIRLFRIEND

I had a time frame and environment to get an AI girlfriend in my younger years but didn’t have the courage. I’ve regretted that. What would have been the harm?

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

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