An Expert Gave Us 5 Signs Your Partner Loves What You Do for Them, Not You
· Vice
Sometimes, we don’t realize how unhealthy our relationship dynamics are until we hear external opinions or input. When in love, many people overlook red flags or view their partners through rose-colored glasses. This can cause them to be unaware that their partner is actively taking advantage of them and their accommodating nature.
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“When someone feels that they’re being ‘used’ in a relationship, it’s usually not because there was some single, defining moment or behavior exhibited by their partner,” Dr. Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, Director of Family Programs of All in Solutions, a network of treatment centers located in Florida, New Jersey, and California, told VICE. “It’s generally due to a repeated pattern where the relationship is predominantly beneficial to one partner while the other partner carries most of the load when it comes to being supportive on an emotional, financial, and/or practical level.”
Over time, however, this pattern might feel normal to someone who’s been living it for months or years. That’s why it’s crucial to regularly check in with yourself (and your partner) when you’re noticing an imbalance. Here are five signs you’re being used in your relationship.
1. There’s No Reciprocity
A healthy relationship is reciprocal, not one-sided. If your partner’s feelings and needs take priority over your own, you know where their loyalty lies: solely with themselves.
“A relatively subtle clue is if your partner tends to be very actively engaged when they need something from you, whether it’s a favor, emotional support, money, etc., but when your needs come up, they suddenly become distant and/or unavailable emotionally,” says Foglia. “Generally speaking, healthy relationships have a sense of reciprocity built into them. People’s needs may vary, and this doesn’t necessarily mean that everything will be perfectly equal each day, but support should be more or less evenly split over time.”
2. Your Partner Cares More About What You Offer Them, Not What You Truly Value
An often under-recognized sign that your partner is using you is that they express more interest in and investment in your work, income, professional/social contacts, and role in the relationship than in the connection itself.
“Your partner might compliment you on your dependability, income, connections, or ability to take care of others, but won’t really ask you about your own dreams, desires, goals, or emotions,” says Foglia. “Eventually, you’ll probably start feeling as though you are a utility/resource for your partner as opposed to their romantic equal.”
3. Your Needs Are Not Being Met
If your needs are constantly being dismissed or neglected, your partner might be in the relationship for their own selfish interests.
“I recommend paying attention to how conflict in the relationship is managed,” says Foglia. “If you regularly express your needs and are met with resistance, guilt trips, accusations that you are trying to ‘keep score,’ or pressure to lower your expectations, this can create an environment which allows one partner to benefit without having any real responsibility or accountability.”
4. Your Partner Fails to Follow Through
Foglia also mentioned looking out for “chronic future faking,” as it can keep you attached to a promise your partner might never keep.
“This involves making promises to your partner regarding joint plans/goals/etc., continually failing to deliver on those promises, while at the same time continuing to request that your partner invest in the relationship,” she says.
5. You’re Carrying the Mental Load
There is nothing more exhausting than carrying the emotional and mental load of your relationship by yourself. In fact, this is a surefire way to build resentment, which can be detrimental to even the healthiest of connections.
“Ultimately, the key question should be, ‘when I finally stop doing all of the heavy lifting and stop enabling, does our relationship still feel reciprocal/mutual?’” says Foglia. “Relationships can withstand times when one partner requires extra support, but ultimately, both parties in a healthy relationship should feel valued, heard, and cared for, not just seen as useful.”
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