3 Ways to Stop Complaining So Much, According to a Therapist
· Vice
We all have a chronic complainer in our lives—and unfortunately, I fear I’ve become one myself lately. While it’s totally natural to vent your frustrations and pain from time to time, continuously doing so only fuels the negativity. Eventually, the more you dwell on your problems, the worse you will feel—and the less people will want to be around you.
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In fact, complaining can even become a habit without any real or helpful intention behind it. Instead of releasing pent-up emotions, we might spew these pessimistic statements without considering the damage they’re causing.
Of course, this doesn’t mean we should never complain. We are only human, after all. But there’s a difference between sharing what you’re going through and chronically complaining about every little thing.
“As a therapist, I hold space for humans to confidentially share about their most vulnerable experiences,” says Amanda Sacks, LCSW and Registered Yoga Teacher at We All Feel. “In fact, I believe heavy stories, especially connected to shame, are harmful to hold onto alone. Instead, it’s restorative to process emotions not only through words, but also through the breath and body.”
However, she notes, her yoga teacher Sheryl Edsall once introduced the idea: “Don’t complain about the same stressor twice.”
“This really struck me, as I so often would get stuck repeating the same story,” Sacks says. “While this line is not necessarily written in the Bhagavad Gita or Yoga Sutras, the larger concept rings true: we can conserve our emotional energy, and we can choose to speak uplifting thoughts and words.”
Wondering how you can cut back on your complaining and take a more empowered approach to your life? Sacks offers three therapist-backed tips to do so.
1. Pause and Reflect Before Complaining
When you feel the desire to complain, it helps to pause and ask yourself what you would be getting out of that experience. Oftentimes, we mindlessly vent without actually considering the impact it has on ourselves.
“In our modern world, it’s completely reasonable to share concerns or rehash a funny yet stressful story to one or even a few people,” Sacks says. “A more mindful approach to life includes pausing when you notice you are repeating negative scenarios and you’re feeling gloomy.”
“If you notice yourself complaining to an extreme, simply ask yourself: ‘How many times do I want to repeat this same story?’” she continues. “Another question I love to ask, ‘Will this matter in five years from now?’ At any moment, we have the ability to reset from complaining: take a breath, pause, and decide if it’s worth your energy to speak about something that’s in the past or that can’t change.”
2. Replace Complaints With Gratitude
Gratitude can be a great way to use real evidence to support a more positive outlook. Of course, this does not involve the invalidating, spiritual-bypassing, toxic positivity many people spew today, but rather a more intentional effort to acknowledge your struggles while also highlighting your blessings.
“The opposite of complaining is to lean into gratitude,” Sacks says. “Research reminds us that [what] we repeat internally and say out loud grows. If you are hoping to lead a more fulfilling life, find moments of appreciation [and] choose to share uplifting or silly stories and joyful moments with the people around you.
3. Communicate Your Boundaries and Needs Instead
Sometimes—and often without realizing it—we complain as a way to get our needs met. For example, maybe you’re feeling tired or sick and would prefer your partner to step in and take care of household tasks for once. Rather than simply saying, “I don’t feel well today. Would you mind taking care of dinner?”, you assume the responsibility while complaining. This might look like loudly sighing, moping around, and dropping hints like, “My head hurts.” “I’m so tired.” “I had such a long day.” “You never help me.”
Setting boundaries can empower you to take control of your own well-being, protect your energy, and prevent the desire to complain in the first place.
“Speaking up for yourself is essential when a situation infringes upon your boundaries or is misaligned with your values,” says Sacks. “If you tend to prioritize other people’s needs over your own and have people-pleasing tendencies, it is essential to protect your time or safety by communicating your needs.”
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