Facebook end times experts find apocalypse in glitches
· Citizen
The post-apocalyptic future is officially here. This according to a post by a visionary on my Facebook page in the comment section under a funny meme I posted.
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It was announced, in all caps, with three exclamation marks and a blurry photo of a shopping trolley on its side. “This is how it starts!!!”
Now, as an author, I don’t like to dismiss people’s insights too quickly. After all, history is full of misunderstood geniuses. But… it’s also full of people who thought pigeons were government drones.
According to my resident prophet, the signs are everywhere. He has connected all the dots. Not just the obvious ones, the invisible ones, too.
Apparently, we are now living in a slow-burn apocalypse. Not the dramatic kind with explosions and cinematic soundtracks, but a quieter version where WiFi drops unexpectedly and no-one can find matching Tupperware lids.
Frankly, if this is the apocalypse, it’s slightly underwhelming. I was expecting leather jackets, improvised weapons and at least one heroic speech followed by protesters throwing stones at police.
Instead, I see a neighbour shouting at a malfunctioning gate motor and am on a group chat where people are debating bread prices.
But my Facebook visionary is unfazed. He has a plan: stay alert, stock up and trust no-one.
This from a man who regularly shares cat videos and once asked if anyone had a spare extension cord that he could borrow.
Still, he’s committed. He’s posted daily updates: A warning about “unusual bird behaviour” and a particularly alarming post about a pothole that “wasn’t there yesterday”.
To be fair, that last one is suspicious.
The comments section, of course, is thriving. Some agree.
Some argue. One person just posted a recipe for banana bread, which I feel is the correct response to any global crisis.
Because here’s the thing: if the apocalypse has arrived, it’s doing so very politely. No zombies. No chaos. Just mild inconvenience and people slowly losing patience in supermarket queues.
I’ve decided to prepare for it in my own way. I’ve charged my phone. I’ve bought snacks. I’ve mentally accepted that, if things really go south, I probably won’t survive long enough to become a legend.
But I will go down informed, because if there’s one thing the end of the world has taught me, it’s this: there will always be someone on Facebook who saw it coming.
Even if the rest of us are still trying to figure out why the shopping trolley in that blurry photo fell over.