Why Your Dates Feel So Awkward (And How to Fix It)
· Vice
We all have different communication styles and preferences, with some of us seeking conversations and others waiting to be included. This is especially noticeable in dating. For example, you may have been on a date with someone who offered information unprompted and dominated the conversation for most of the night. Or maybe your date only shared personal details when you asked, making you feel like an interviewer. These communication styles are known as “volunteer” and “invite-only.”
Regardless of which end of the spectrum you lean toward, there’s no right or wrong way of communicating—so long as you’re respectful, of course. Wondering about the difference between the “volunteer” and “invite-only” communication styles? Let’s dive in.
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‘Volunteer’ vs. Invite-Only Communication Style
According to Sophia Spencer, a specialist in social psychology, mental health therapist, and founder of Social Mind Clinic, “The volunteer communication style is when a person voluntarily communicates personal information without needing to be asked,” says Spencer.
On the other hand, “The invite-only communication style is when a person communicates information when they are directly asked a question or prompted by someone else,” Spencer says. “Essentially, they speak when invited to do so.”
These opposing communication styles differ in the following ways:
How They Offer Information
Perhaps the most obvious difference between the volunteer and invite-only communication styles is how (and when) they feel comfortable speaking in a conversation.
“One waits to be invited; the other speaks without invite,” says Spencer.
How They Understand Others
Spencer also points out that individuals with these communication styles differ in how they understand others.
“Invite-only communicators also invite others to speak. In this way, they return the favor,” says Spencer. “They show care by asking, respond when asked, and can assume others will do the same, which may not be true.”
“The volunteer communicator, on the other hand, is volunteering information, and similarly, they understand others to feel the same as they do,” she adds. “They may trust that if the other person wants to share something, they will voluntarily speak, just as the volunteer is doing.”
How They Define Safety in Social Settings
Like most social behaviors and habits, these two communication styles boil down to safety in social situations.
“Invite-only communicators feel safer when having been invited to speak,” says Spencer. “Volunteer communicators feel safe being vulnerable, sharing personal thoughts and opinions, without [an invitation]. Their understanding of social safety operates differently.”
When the Communication Styles Clash
When two people have conflicting communication styles, they’re likely to misunderstand each other and struggle to find their footing in social settings. This doesn’t mean either is right or wrong. Rather, they’re operating from entirely different belief systems and social approaches.
“The styles clash due to their fundamentally differing beliefs about how humans communicate,” says Spencer. “An invite-only communicator may assume others are the same, so when they meet a volunteer communicator they may interpret them as brash, egotistical, or self-centered. Indeed, a volunteer communicator may find an invite-only communicator as timid, shy, or even rude.
Both are misinterpreting the other’s understanding of safe social communication as possibly a problem. Both styles are with good intent, but they misinterpret each other due to their differing understandings of what is safely vulnerable in social situations.”
In fact, Spender notes that this is a common issue with cross-cultural communication.
“For example, some Eastern cultures see invite-only communication as a sign of respect. It would be rude to volunteer your story in the middle of another person’s, even if it was with good intentions,” she explains. “Western cultures, on the other hand, can value everyone jumping in and volunteering in a conversation. They may view people not engaging as a form of rudeness, even if it was intended to be respectful.”
Bridging the Gap Between Volunteer and Invite-Only Communicators
Just because someone has an opposite approach to communication doesn’t mean you can’t find common ground. Now that you understand the contrast between both styles, you can learn to bridge the gap and appeal to different types of communicators.
“The key element in appealing to both is to not assume the reasoning behind someone’s behavior,” says Spencer. “It can be helpful to ask yourself, rather than assuming this person’s motives, perhaps am I witnessing someone with a different communication style to my own? If so, how can I meet that style in a way that works for me?”
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